Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sext me about skeletons
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
