"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
