if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
