Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
