I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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