If that was your dad, he is hot
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
