Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
