I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
