I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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