His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
