when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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