she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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