umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
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I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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