I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize