respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
