are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
