My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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