Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
