I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I FOUND THE LEGS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
