the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
