When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
