I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All I want is dick and wine.
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