I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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