I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
