Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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