Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
