Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
