I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
