She's like a pop up book from hell.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
