i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
