I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
