she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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