Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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