You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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