I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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