Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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