Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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