someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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