Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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