literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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