What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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