Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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