Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
