Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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