I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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