3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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