im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
