i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
