I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
