i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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