I'm lost and stupid without you.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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