I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
