Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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