We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
