You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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