Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
