wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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